One Year Later…and still working
Ok, so it’s been awhile. I find it difficult to do this regularly, so I guess folks will just have to adjust to not knowing what’s up.
Brief catchup: Started dating a guy in March of 2010. Different guy than the one in the posts here. Still dating. Not sure why. In brief, he’s charming, somewhat handsome, funny, and well-connected. More important, fun to be with. But also someone with the lowest libido of anyone I’ve ever met. That should do it for catchup.
Here’s the thing. I really like him–have to watch myself, because honestly, I could see myself feeling more than that, even. (plz to note that I can’t even type the word “love,” which, in and of itself should tell us all I have work to do, yes?)
However–and this is a big one–I don’t think he’s all that into me. He travels a lot for his job, and I get that–and he has to check e-mail a lot for said job, and I get that. It’s not those things. It’s not the workaholic stuff, or any of that. It’s more that I get a “friend” vibe from him these days rather than a “dating” vibe. He’s not interested in making out, or making love, or even holding hands unless I initiate it, all that often. When was Thanksgiving, again? And while I struggle to believe it’s not me, deep down I believe it’s me. That, yet AGAIN, I’ve been found wanting. It’s nearly more than my ego can take after the ridiculousness of my marriage.
Kisses on the cheek and halfhearted hugs are not what I’m interested in. I want someone who wants me. WANTS. Not someone who finds me convenient. But I don’t know if I’m being fair, because we haven’t, honestly, discussed it. But I know we need to. And I don’t really know how to bring it up. But it must happen.
The only way out is through, right? Here I go again.
Today’s Reading
Today, I did another reading of the Haindl. I wanted to ask specifically about my relationships, specifically whether I’d actually ever have one again. The cards were interesting. Here’s what I got:
Foundation: Material Difficulty (Five of Stones)
You ain’t kiddin’. If finding out your husband has had his second (and this time long-running) affair, getting divorced, going into major debt to keep your house, and having major changes at work doesn’t count, I don’t know what does. The card description actually says that it’s a time of “problems, loss, or illness. It may be a time when nothing seems to make sense.” That’s, to my mind, completely true.
Present: Richness (Ten of Stones)
This card denotes a “full life, one that is healthy and vibrant, with security and joy.” Not sure I’m seeing the security part in money yet, but regarding the rest? I absolutely do. I have fabulous friends, a house, great kids, and while I don’t have a relationship in the way I might like one, I have lots of rich relationships with people all around me. And I’m so utterly grateful for that I cannot even say. The card also is supposed remind us too that “Richness comes from simplicity and respect for life.” Amen to that.
Future: White Buffalo Woman (Daughter of Stones)
This one was interesting, because I picked three stones cards, and yet, this one tells me I have more to do. This card denotes great energy and dedication to something. To help others, possibly in political causes. It could indicate a position as a leader, as well. Interestingly, when taken with my question, it doesn’t really fit–I was asking about a relationship in the romantic sense, but the card here seems to tell me that I’m going to have other types, instead.
Remember: I don’t think this is a magical thing. Instead, I think these items give me clues to how I’m thinking and feeling–in other words, I make the meaning in the cards. Right now, I’m not sure what kind of a relationship I might get, and the crush that I have seems impossible. So perhaps what I really should be doing is focusing on these other relationships in my life, instead. Towards great energy and richness. At least, that’s how I’m currently seeing it.
Pulling out the Haindl
I have always loved Tarot cards. The artwork on different decks can be quite stunning, and while I do not necessarily believe in the “powers” or mythology behind them, I do think that thinking on cards drawn from the deck allows us to reflect on how we are really feeling about a matter. How we are really interacting with our lives.
So tonight, for the first time in a long time, I pulled out the Haindl. I’m a bit out of practice, but I tried a quick, three-card reading. The first card signifies the basis of the question–it’s foundation, or past. The second card represents the present moment, and the third card one possible future and its implications.
Here’s what I came up with:
- Foundation: Father of Stones in the West (King of Stones), Old Man
- Present: Father of Cups in tne North (King of Cups), Odin, Reversed
- Future: Conflict (Five of Wands)
The father of stones card signifies to me in this moment the past of responsibility–of always helping, and trying to do what’s right. It signifies my inability to ask for what I really want, and to say what I really feel. While I tend to be pretty articulate on paper and digitally, in the moment and with someone I care about I find myself resorting to actions rather than words. This is the foundation.
The present card, King of Cups, came up reversed, which indicates a limitation of power and authority-the inability to dominate a situation. I may react with anger, but in going through, I may also gain understanding.
The possible future card, the five of wands, didn’t thrill me when it turned up, because it was labeled Conflict. And I honestly don’t need more of that in my life. However, the book tells me this can also mean creative conflict, release of energy, and breakdown of rigid systems; however, it can also mean someone using aggression to avoid truth-facing.
Overall to me, these cards tell me that I’ve been locked into doing “what’s right” for a long time. That I rarely ask for that which I really want, and that I don’t tell folks closest to me what I really feel. That at present, I am feeling constrained by situations beyond my control and that I may feel angry over that. The five of wands warns me to not avoid facing the truth, but to use creative energy as an outlet to change systems, not to avoid what’s really going on with me.
Closer to home? I’m starting to try to figure out what I want in a relationship, and I’m frustrated with how slowly I’m moving–and how little I can make others change their feelings, as well. That I need to be aware of this, and not hide through aggression my feelings of powerlessness. Instead, I need to open myself up to what I really want, learn to express that, and let go of the control I seek. Because ultimately, you cannot control people’s emotions, and you can’t really hide from yourself, either.
Date #fail
Well, I’ve been working on the “alone at home” thing a little (took a day off last week and just hung out, and it really helped me to regenerate. This weekend, friends had a party for my new singleness, I got the tree, we decorated, and the house looks much more festive. It’s nice. I had a second date with the same person as the first date, and while I don’t really see anything there, he’s nice–in fact, so nice that the bonehead move I made today does not seem to have damaged anything.
You see, we were supposed to meet tonight, do a bit of ballroom dancing, and then have some dinner. An early evening, because I have the kids this week, but somehow–I just couldn’t do it. At the last minute, I called and (worse yet) left a voice mail trying to explain that maybe I wasn’t ready. Rambling, horrible, and then naturally the voice mail discarded it. So I had to record it again. Ugh. My palms were sweating, I felt terrible, and yet, I was actually relieved that I didn’t have to go. Didn’t have to be “on.”
He called me back, and we talked. He was really great, actually. Said we should have talked earlier, that he’d dated recent divorcees before and understands how it rolls, and that his plan was just to hang out for the time being and take it slow–kind of be friends and go from there. I felt better after that. Considerably.
However, I’m still not sure I want to do this. I have other things I need to work on, so it may not be the best use of my energies at the moment. That having been said, it’s always nice to have new friends, so it might turn out okay, after all.
Dating. I’m doin’ it wrong.
First….Date?
So I had my first date(?) tonight with someone I met on Match.com. Don’t know if I’d call it a date precisely, but it was a first meeting anyway. We met at Barnes and Noble’s coffeehouse (safe, lots of people) and talked for about an hour and a half. It was nice. HE was nice. Seems fairly well-balanced (I’m sure he has his stuff; most folks do).
We have a few similar interests, and both have some creative/crafty hobbies, too. He’s interested in learning how to do Pysanky, and he’s going to teach me how to do some ballroom dance steps. I got a hug at the end (seems promising) and we might possibly try to meet to do some ballroom dance steps next week. He promised to teach me something simple; I promised to try to let him lead. A fair trade, I think.
So I guess we’ll just have to see, yes?
What Now?
So I’m single. Have been single for a few weeks, apparently. Called the courthouse to find out what the holdup was, and they told me I’ve been divorced since November 12. Papers will be in the mail tomorrow.
My first reaction? Glee. Utter, total glee. My second? Terror. My third? Must. Run. NOW. So I ran. Managed 2 miles on the injured hamstring, then walked the last. I think nerves had a lot to do with it. After that, I came home, watched a sad movie with my daughter and best friend (who brought wine, by the way, which is just one of the reasons I love her so), and cried. A lot. I’m still doing that, actually.
But I’m not sure what I’m mourning. It’s not the marriage, which I totally recognize that I’m better off without. I think it’s probably the expectations I had of my life. And my confusion over just what it is that I’m supposed to DO now. Because I’ll be honest. I was pretty good at the whole cooking/family/makin’ it happen thing. I just don’t know how good I will be at the alone/quiet/by myself stuff. Because I haven’t done that in decades. And I really didn’t want to do it again.
I liked being married. And I don’t know what to do with the fact that the person I was married to was not so enchanted–or at least not enchanted enough to keep him from finding greener pastures. So here I sit. Wondering. Waiting. And hoping against hope that the light at the end of the tunnel will arrive soon.
As a friend just told me, though, all I really need to do is breathe. Just. Breathe.
The First Thanksgiving
Well, today is my first Thanksgiving as a singleton, and I’m still wrapping my head around what that means. This year, the kids are with their dad on this holiday, so I’m by myself and barely in need of cooking this year.Typically, I would have prepped the sweet potatoes on Sunday, made pies Tuesday night, and worked on brining the turkey last night. This morning would be a stuffing extravaganza and a frenzy of other cooking.
So what am I doing? I am making pies (though only 2) to take to a couple of friends’ houses that I was invited to. I’m sitting in front of the Today Show (which I never watch), and getting ready to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade (which I also never watch. I have some knitting I can do, but right now, I thought it was more important to get this post out. Because I’m kind of sad today.
Don’t get me wrong; I had a great time going out with friends last night instead of prepping food, and I’m sort of enjoying not having to cook, but at the same time, I’m missing the family traditions: the chestnut stuffing, the brined turkey, even the frenzy of cooking and feeling useful. And I miss my kids. Lord, I’d better stop this before I end up crying all over the place.
I’m not sure what traditions will be created in the future, but I do know that this year is just the test-bed. Maybe next year (when I’ll have the kids on this holiday), I’ll also invite over others like me who don’t have a family gathering to go to. But for this year, I guess I’ll just keep making pies.
Idiocy in the New Age
So. I did something really REALLY stupid in the last couple of weeks. I propositioned a colleague/semi-friend for a FWB (friends with benefits) arrangement, and the person took me up on it. Stupid, stupid, STUPID. Do not EVER do this.
Here’s the issue. FWB is too young for me (7 years, never married, no kids). FWB is at a different stage of life than me. FWB sees this (and rightfully so) as FWB. Unfortunately, I stopped seeing it as that once I’d realized that I was having fun even when we weren’t “WBing,” if you get my drift.
Watching TV was fun, talking was fun, and of course, the sex was fun. This in all made the entire thing REALLY stupid. Because I am at the lonely phase of the divorce. And I wanted, if not more relationship, more WB. More, more, more. And more TV watching. And more cuddling. You get the idea.
So I started acting like a man in the desert who hasn’t had water in awhile. Yeah. I know. Attractive, right? NOT. And he started pulling back (again, rightfully so). And so I’m now trying to remember that THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT REWARD DESPERATION. So I’m working at doing the “friends” thing without the “with benefits” thing.
So far, it feels like the early stages of detox–wantwantwantwant. At the same time, I know this is what’s good for me. So I’m workin’ on it. Still, if he txted me right now and said he was coming over, I’d have the condoms out faster than you can say “Trojan.”
I’m filing this whole experience under “seemed like a good idea at the time.”
If you’re getting divorced, trust me: DO NOT DO THIS.
Fitting the Demographic…Or Not
You know, I sometimes joke that I’m really an 11-year-old boy. I often find humor in things they would, I enjoy the ridiculous, I can be a real smartass, and I talk as if I’m still in college. Srsly. Maybe it’s because I work at a University and part of my job revolves around social media such as Facebook and Twitter, but I have to say, I have found my niche. Social media is what I do, and it to some extent defines who I am. Posting, reading, remixing, and commenting on the community around me is hugely important to me–it’s also how I have met a lot of very cool people I would never have known otherwise.
When I joined the dating site OkCupid I wasn’t sure what to expect–I’d been told it was “a dating site with social networking aspects.” And I’ve found that to be somewhat true, though I have to say, the addicting part of the site for me is the Match questions (like a mini-Cosmo quiz!) and the Quizzes themselves. I’m up to about 700 match questions answered and I have no idea how many quizzes I’ve taken, but all of them have been enormous fun.
I have to say, though, OkCupid included, that there’s something about the perception of the demographic involved in social media—Facebook is still largely seen as a college-age activity, though its largest growth market is users in middle-age. And while that Verizon commercial includes parents tweeting, the perception is that Twitter users are younger as well—folks who “aren’t busy working or parenting.” This, even though there are more Twitter users who are 35-44 than 18-24.
So what are the demographics of OkCupid? Well, the only stat I found is that as of March 2009, 52% of users here are males aged 18-34. Good for me, but only if these guys are looking for an older woman, yes? And yes, I’ve heard the term cougar; I’m just not too sure yet how I feel about it. 
You see, my age and my interests don’t align with the perceptions. Age-wise, the perception states that I should be on Facebook sporadically, and on Twitter not at all. Let’s leave for the moment the whole Flickr/Posterous/Facebook/GoogleWave thing. I probably shouldn’t have even heard of most of those.
But that’s who I am. And that’s what I do. And I’m trying to figure out just where that plays out in the whole dating thing. ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, there are folks out there my age who are interested in dating, but they’re not really sure what to do with my social media stuff. And others who align with my interests, but who don’t know what to do with my age. Me? I think I’m just going to let it unfold. At least until I figure out just where I fit in this brave new world. Any ideas?
