What Now?
So I’m single. Have been single for a few weeks, apparently. Called the courthouse to find out what the holdup was, and they told me I’ve been divorced since November 12. Papers will be in the mail tomorrow.
My first reaction? Glee. Utter, total glee. My second? Terror. My third? Must. Run. NOW. So I ran. Managed 2 miles on the injured hamstring, then walked the last. I think nerves had a lot to do with it. After that, I came home, watched a sad movie with my daughter and best friend (who brought wine, by the way, which is just one of the reasons I love her so), and cried. A lot. I’m still doing that, actually.
But I’m not sure what I’m mourning. It’s not the marriage, which I totally recognize that I’m better off without. I think it’s probably the expectations I had of my life. And my confusion over just what it is that I’m supposed to DO now. Because I’ll be honest. I was pretty good at the whole cooking/family/makin’ it happen thing. I just don’t know how good I will be at the alone/quiet/by myself stuff. Because I haven’t done that in decades. And I really didn’t want to do it again.
I liked being married. And I don’t know what to do with the fact that the person I was married to was not so enchanted–or at least not enchanted enough to keep him from finding greener pastures. So here I sit. Wondering. Waiting. And hoping against hope that the light at the end of the tunnel will arrive soon.
As a friend just told me, though, all I really need to do is breathe. Just. Breathe.
Idiocy in the New Age
So. I did something really REALLY stupid in the last couple of weeks. I propositioned a colleague/semi-friend for a FWB (friends with benefits) arrangement, and the person took me up on it. Stupid, stupid, STUPID. Do not EVER do this.
Here’s the issue. FWB is too young for me (7 years, never married, no kids). FWB is at a different stage of life than me. FWB sees this (and rightfully so) as FWB. Unfortunately, I stopped seeing it as that once I’d realized that I was having fun even when we weren’t “WBing,” if you get my drift.
Watching TV was fun, talking was fun, and of course, the sex was fun. This in all made the entire thing REALLY stupid. Because I am at the lonely phase of the divorce. And I wanted, if not more relationship, more WB. More, more, more. And more TV watching. And more cuddling. You get the idea.
So I started acting like a man in the desert who hasn’t had water in awhile. Yeah. I know. Attractive, right? NOT. And he started pulling back (again, rightfully so). And so I’m now trying to remember that THE UNIVERSE DOES NOT REWARD DESPERATION. So I’m working at doing the “friends” thing without the “with benefits” thing.
So far, it feels like the early stages of detox–wantwantwantwant. At the same time, I know this is what’s good for me. So I’m workin’ on it. Still, if he txted me right now and said he was coming over, I’d have the condoms out faster than you can say “Trojan.”
I’m filing this whole experience under “seemed like a good idea at the time.”
If you’re getting divorced, trust me: DO NOT DO THIS.
Musings on a New Beginning
Okay, so here goes–I needed a safe place to blog. A place where my coworkers didn’t know who it was, where I can chronicle the most personal aspects of my most recent journey. I haven’t done this kind of blogging before, but I do tend to let it all hang out there, and I think that this journal will be useful to me looking back.
I’m nearing the end of what was a long marriage and a quick divorce. The same old story: boy meets girl, girl gets preggers, boy and girl get married. Boy and girl have two kids. Boy cheats on girl. Girl forgives and everyone has counseling. Boy cheats again, and girl decides to get the fuck out. And here I am.
So after nearly 17 years of marriage, I’m just waiting for the final divorce decree. I’m hoping this blog will help me to process some of what is going on within and around me. We’ll see.
If I manage not to procrastinate the hell out of it, that is.
