What Now?
So I’m single. Have been single for a few weeks, apparently. Called the courthouse to find out what the holdup was, and they told me I’ve been divorced since November 12. Papers will be in the mail tomorrow.
My first reaction? Glee. Utter, total glee. My second? Terror. My third? Must. Run. NOW. So I ran. Managed 2 miles on the injured hamstring, then walked the last. I think nerves had a lot to do with it. After that, I came home, watched a sad movie with my daughter and best friend (who brought wine, by the way, which is just one of the reasons I love her so), and cried. A lot. I’m still doing that, actually.
But I’m not sure what I’m mourning. It’s not the marriage, which I totally recognize that I’m better off without. I think it’s probably the expectations I had of my life. And my confusion over just what it is that I’m supposed to DO now. Because I’ll be honest. I was pretty good at the whole cooking/family/makin’ it happen thing. I just don’t know how good I will be at the alone/quiet/by myself stuff. Because I haven’t done that in decades. And I really didn’t want to do it again.
I liked being married. And I don’t know what to do with the fact that the person I was married to was not so enchanted–or at least not enchanted enough to keep him from finding greener pastures. So here I sit. Wondering. Waiting. And hoping against hope that the light at the end of the tunnel will arrive soon.
As a friend just told me, though, all I really need to do is breathe. Just. Breathe.
