What Now?
So I’m single. Have been single for a few weeks, apparently. Called the courthouse to find out what the holdup was, and they told me I’ve been divorced since November 12. Papers will be in the mail tomorrow.
My first reaction? Glee. Utter, total glee. My second? Terror. My third? Must. Run. NOW. So I ran. Managed 2 miles on the injured hamstring, then walked the last. I think nerves had a lot to do with it. After that, I came home, watched a sad movie with my daughter and best friend (who brought wine, by the way, which is just one of the reasons I love her so), and cried. A lot. I’m still doing that, actually.
But I’m not sure what I’m mourning. It’s not the marriage, which I totally recognize that I’m better off without. I think it’s probably the expectations I had of my life. And my confusion over just what it is that I’m supposed to DO now. Because I’ll be honest. I was pretty good at the whole cooking/family/makin’ it happen thing. I just don’t know how good I will be at the alone/quiet/by myself stuff. Because I haven’t done that in decades. And I really didn’t want to do it again.
I liked being married. And I don’t know what to do with the fact that the person I was married to was not so enchanted–or at least not enchanted enough to keep him from finding greener pastures. So here I sit. Wondering. Waiting. And hoping against hope that the light at the end of the tunnel will arrive soon.
As a friend just told me, though, all I really need to do is breathe. Just. Breathe.
The First Thanksgiving
Well, today is my first Thanksgiving as a singleton, and I’m still wrapping my head around what that means. This year, the kids are with their dad on this holiday, so I’m by myself and barely in need of cooking this year.Typically, I would have prepped the sweet potatoes on Sunday, made pies Tuesday night, and worked on brining the turkey last night. This morning would be a stuffing extravaganza and a frenzy of other cooking.
So what am I doing? I am making pies (though only 2) to take to a couple of friends’ houses that I was invited to. I’m sitting in front of the Today Show (which I never watch), and getting ready to watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade (which I also never watch. I have some knitting I can do, but right now, I thought it was more important to get this post out. Because I’m kind of sad today.
Don’t get me wrong; I had a great time going out with friends last night instead of prepping food, and I’m sort of enjoying not having to cook, but at the same time, I’m missing the family traditions: the chestnut stuffing, the brined turkey, even the frenzy of cooking and feeling useful. And I miss my kids. Lord, I’d better stop this before I end up crying all over the place.
I’m not sure what traditions will be created in the future, but I do know that this year is just the test-bed. Maybe next year (when I’ll have the kids on this holiday), I’ll also invite over others like me who don’t have a family gathering to go to. But for this year, I guess I’ll just keep making pies.
